Red Rover, Red Rover send that fat guy right over!

I get the feeling from others that being an adult is stupid. Lot's of complaining about stupid things like "rent" and "heat bills". I find myself complaining too. It's nothing like we heard it was going to be. I had no idea how lame adulthood would be. Wait, you mean to tell me that I have to work 8 hours IN A ROW, five days a week? What!!?? I have to use my own money to buy food? Oh hell no. Nobody explained this stuff to me. I didn't realize that when my parents and  grandparents told me "enjoy being a kid Ricky" what they really meant was "life sucks after 18 Ricky". When I was a kid I couldn't wait to be all grown up so that I could eat cereal at any time during the day, or not have to take naps (which is funny because now I freakin' looooove naps), or have money all the time. Yeah, right hahahaha. What a joke.

Well after thinking about it and discussing it with my wife, I have decided to throw a "Immature Party" at the end of September for any and all of my friends who just want to be a kid for the day. We have reserved a portion of a popular park centralized in town and have some classic games lined up to play like Hide and Seek, Kickball, Red Rover Red Rover, Duck Duck Goose and many more. How fun would that be? Adults only, no kids. We are planning a pot luck type of lunch and there will be plenty of laughs to go around. Can you imagine 200+ lb. people running full boar at a line of adults holding hands? God, I hope nobody gets hurt. I'm pretty sure that I will kick some serious ass at Hide and Seek, I'm very creative. I want to see someone kick with all of their might during kickball, just to miss the ball and watch their shoe go flying into center field. I hope the ice cream truck drives by as we are in the middle of Duck Duck Goose. Oh I can't stop laughing about this....

I will be sure to post pictures on my blog after the party. If you have any ideas please leave them in the comment section below. I want to make this a day to remember. This is either going to turn out epic or horrible. No in between.

Does My Face Look Swollen?

I woke up this morning at 4:45am to my new kitten walking across my face. Once I'm awake, I'm awake. So I have started some coffee and decided this would be a great time to blog. Everyone is sleeping (except for Jude the kitten), it's cool outside and the house is quiet. 

I am a cheap skate, or it is cheap scape? That's weird, I've never really thought about that word, lol. Why would it be skate? Anyways, I don't like to spend money and when I do spend money I am always looking for the best deal. Many times in my life this has come back to haunt me. 

 
Like the time that I picked up a "free" sofa sitting on the curb in a part of our town called Browne's Addition. It was a beautiful sofa in what looked like great condition. Long story short, I had to go to the E.R. with a swollen face. Some sort of allergic reaction to the bugs that lived in it. 


Or the time I bought a trampoline off of Craigslist for $10 because some of the springs were missing. And by some, I mean 12. 







Well recently I have been up to my old tricks. I just purchased a computer at a local Pawn Shop. Red Flag: If you are buying a computer from a lady missing teeth and has car grease packed into each one of her finger nails, you might want to reconsider. I bought this computer for considerably less money than buying it brand new. However, this thing runs like crap and although it looks bad ass it performs and has the memory of a 95 year old man. I get so frustrated with it that I just sit here and yell at it all day long. My wife and kids think I am losing it. All they hear is:

• "Oh you want to do THIS again, you son of a b*tch!!!"
• "Ok, ok I can do this all day you piece of sh*t!"
• "ARE YOU F*CKING SEEEERIOUS??!!"
• "No! Oh my God ok,ok, please don't do this right now.....please!!"

So I think I am going to go out and actually purchase a new computer. After all, I have that high blood pressure thing going on and I don't want to die at 43 years old sitting at my computer desk, clutching my mouse. I have so much more to do in my life, so many more web sites to visit.

It Got a Little Nippy Back on the Pass

As I sit here wondering what to write about today, I can't help but overhear Napoleon Dynamite playing on my TV in the living room. I love the part in this movie where Napoleon is talking to Pedro:

"What kind of bike do you have?" 

"It's a Sledgehammer"

"Ever take it off any sweet jumps?"

I have so many funny movie scenes that I love. I think today I want to share those with you.

Here are my TOP 5 Movie Scenes Of All Time: 

#5 - Jack Black is the wrestler in Nacho Libre' and he is sneaking up on the guy who is stealing his chips (The Lords Chips) and just as he jumps, he farts. Oh my God that part KILLS me!

 

#4 - Jim Carey in Ace Ventura- Pet Detective, when he gets too hot in the rhino and plops out naked in front of the family. Classic!

#3 - I love when Ice-Cube in the movie Friday has to go into the bathroom and talk to his dad....WHILE his dad is taking a dump. Laugh Out Loud!

 

#2 -  In the movie Young Frankenstein when he is asking Igor about his "hump" and Igor says "What hump?" The awkward silence and look still makes me laugh to this day!

And the number one movie scene that makes me laugh like a little girl.......

#1 - In Dumb and Dumber when Lloyd and Harry are sharing a mini bike made for a kid and Harry tries to wave at the semi truck driver and almost wrecks. It's only on screen for a quick second but makes me laugh so hard.

What are your favorite scenes from movies? I would love to hear them. Write them in the comments section.

One Finger Salute

Have you ever watched someone fall, stumble or trip and found it to be hilarious? I hope I'm not the only person who finds joy in watching these things happen. I mean, I don't want to see anyone really hurt themselves. But witnessing a nice little stumble in the middle of my day can really lift my spirits. It let's me know that even people wearing suits and carrying briefcases can be human and do embarrassing things. Even if you have perfect hair and just bought a boat, you can twist your ankle and rip your pants at any minute. 




The worst public fall I ever witnessed was back in 1991 at the Fox Theater in Spokane, Wa. I will never forget it. I took my girlfriend at the time, to the movies and when we got there we were one of the last people to find seats. There were a couple open seats way at the top of these incredibly steep stairs. To this day I have yet to find stairs that steep. It was really strange. Anyways, I was carrying two buckets of popcorn and decided to scurry up the stairs faster by skipping every other stair. You know how guys do that sometimes? Yeah well after about my fourth "hop" I stumbled and although I caught myself before falling back down the stairs of death, popcorn had shot out of BOTH buckets like a strange double barrel popcorn gun. I heard a group "moan" that came from the group of people near me. I just smiled like a jack ass and walked up the rest of the stairs slowly until I finally arrived at my destination carrying 2 half empty buckets of popcorn. My girlfriend looked angry. 

We aren't even to the good part of this story yet.....

After about 20 minutes, we are enjoying the beginning of our movie. The lights are off and it is fiercely dark in the theater. All of a sudden, all the way across the theater we hear what sounds like a large man falling down stairs. I focus my eyes in the darkness and I'll be damned if there wasn't a large man falling hard down several of the steep stairs that I had just conquered. But he wasn't falling "up" the stairs like I did, he was falling "down" the stairs with much momentum and the laws of gravity working against him. To this day, almost 25 years later I can still see head, feet, head, feet, head.....and so on. He was making a horrible sound each time he finished a full somersault. The entire crowd in that full theater burst out in laughter. Almost like we were all holding in too much laughter and just needed something to help us get rid of some of it. When he finished his Olympic worthy floor routine, he stood up and faced the crowd and lifted both hands high in the air revealing only one finger on each hand. Then he yelled "F*CK YOU!!!"

I've never been back to that theater, ever.

My Name is Rick and I Have High Blood Pressure

We are getting closer to that time of year that I look forward to the most, going back to school. Trying to keep my two teenage daughters happy this summer has been like trying to bring peace to the Middle East. I had brown hair when the summer started and now it is almost all white. My wife calls it "silver" as though that is going to make me seem more distinguished. Either way, I know it's not normal. My doctor says I have high blood pressure now. He asked me if I have experienced any stress or discomfort at home. I started laughing like a hyena until the laughter became a quiet mumbling and then finished with tears and a hug. It was a hug that I innitiated but a hug none the less. Stress? Discomfort? I eat stress and discomfort for breakfast mister smarty pants doctor guy. I actually eat a bowl of stress and wash it down with a big glass of discomfort (grape flavored haha) I'm more stressed than a dog shittin' razor blades buddy. I love doctor's appointments, grocery shopping and checking the mail simply because I get a small intermission between MMA cage fights in my home.

It's not all bad. There are these moments of clarity when the girls get along. A snap shot in time that if missed, may never return.

Kind of like the moon. I get messages once in a while on facebook telling me to "go look at the moon, tonight it's going to be extra moony!" I never look at the moon, I always miss it. Pretty much the same thing with the girls. I always miss it. But my wife has taken pictures of them being "nice" to each other, so we have proof.

The only, and I mean only, bad thing about the kids finally going back to school is the fun I have trying to wake them up in the morning. I've been spit at, cursed at and one time I had a clock thrown at me. Do you know how hard it is to spank someone's ass in complete darkness? It's hard. To this day, I'm still not even sure I actually swatted my daughters butt. It may have been her memory foam pillow. I need to come up with a better way of waking them up this year. Maybe I'll use money.

 September is near, Football season starts, kids return to school, and my blood pressure will go back down. The stars will align and everything will be ok, right?

Purple Kool-Aid

As I was making my daughter some kool-aid this morning, to go with her breakfast, because she is 15 and has no idea how to make food, I was suddenly reminded of my childhood. When I smell grape kool-aid it triggers something in my brain. Something that takes me far from here and to a better place and time. The 80's! I lived off of kool-aid and mac-n-cheese. But we rarely had milk so our mac-n-cheese was a little dry. I remember waking up and playing outside ALL day long. Come home at lunch, eat some dry mac-n-cheese and then wash it down with some purple kool-aid. Then I was off again to play for hours. I didn't have to check my facebook, text my friends, take a selfie, I just left the house. My daughters don't understand this concept and we "struggle" to see eye to eye on the issue of entertaining yourself. God forbid you get creative and think of something to do.

I remember my dad brought home our first VCR when I was 12 and he had paid over $500 for it. It had a remote control that was actually attached to a 20 foot wire. So you could control it from the sofa. We were amazed! We would rent movies like "ET" and "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" from Good Guys Video down the street. It was only $5 per movie, per night. The same time he purchased the VCR he also bought a microwave for around $500 and it weighed approx. 600 pounds. It blew our mind that we could cook a tv dinner in 60 seconds. I put everything in that microwave for the next 6 months. 




I had a boom box that played cassette tapes and you couldn't really choose the songs, you had to listen to the entire tape. It took 12 D batteries. Now days kids are upset if their ipod only has enough memory to hold 1,000 songs. If they can't watch a blu-ray HD movie in the back seat while driving thru McDonald's drive-thru they get McPissed. Netflix has thousands of movies for $8 a month and you don't have to leave your house to watch them. Just grunt and point the remote, that's it. We need everything now, not later. Now! They have breath strips that you simply lay on your tongue. YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO SUCK ANYMORE!!!! At the rate we our going, my grandchildren should be 600 lbs. each and terrified of trees. 

Do you want $28?

So my first blog went well, I think. I had 72 people read it (and they weren't all family members). I put an ad up on Craigslist in the Discussion Forums asking people to read my blog and give me feedback. Here are some of the responses I got (these are real, you can go see them):

- Mention "Hitler" in all your blogs
- Discuss your ball leukemia
- Blog about bowl movements (I think he meant bowel) 
- And then someone simply posted a picture of a wooden spoon

To read actual responses click here and look for "I am a blogger now"


So I probably won't be promoting my blog via Craigslist from now on. And I did check my ball and it is free of any leukemia in case anyone was worried. So I am happy to report that, I love blogging! I have been searching for an "outlet" forever and I can't believe I waited until now to do this. Better late then never, right? I have so much stuff going on in my head. It's like a High School Kegger in there. There is music playing all the time, people fighting, people hugging, lots of throw up. It's crazy. But now I can take you on a journey with me through words. It's going to be a fun ride, you might want to buckle up.

I've been reading lots of information about blogging and how to be successful at it. They say you should find someone with similar interests/writing styles and read their blogs, comment on them, start a dialog with them and learn from them. So in an effort to do this right, I went out and found a blog that I think fits me. She writes funny and if you have the time, you should check it out at:

http://blackwomenover50.com/

I'm still not sure how long these blogs should be. They say that if you ramble on for too long, people lose interest. Also, after much research I will be posting a blog every day. Deal with it.  Having a catchy title is paramount, something that draws a reader in. So that is why my title for this blog is "Do you want $28?" I want to see if it draws people in. I don't actually have $28, I just wanted to see how many people want $28.

Your prescription is ready......

Hi there. How did you find this blog? It's my first one and I don't even know how I got here. People tell me that blogging is easy, its like learning how to ride a bike. Ummm that sh*t wasn't easy.....I had training wheels until I was thirteen. I'm sure it will get easier with each blog that I blog. But for now, let's just get through this without any trouble. I have realized that facebook, although amazing, is not the best forum for writing the things that are in my head. People don't really want to scroll through 27 status posts from one guy, each hour.

So I have decided to start my own blog in hopes that others might see the world as I do, and enjoy my perspectives. There will be no rhyme or reason to my blogs, subjects will vary. That's just the way my brain works. I am a bit sarcastic so please keep that in mind. I have had people message me and say "were you being sarcastic?" Another thing, don't take what I say, literally. I love it when people ask me things like "did you seriously eat 12 burritos?"

I was voted "The Funniest Kid in School" back in 1981 at McDonald Elementary (no relation to the fast food giant). Besides selling an apple shaped like a butt on eBay for $400, that was my brightest moment. Yes, I sold an apple for $400 and KXLY came to my house and did a "story" on my auction. They were having a slow news day that day (that's actually what the reporter told me).

 This is the apple that made me famous for a day

If you are reading this and you used to work with me, you know that I liked making people laugh more than I liked being productive. If you and I went to school together, you know that I liked making people laugh more than I liked preparing for my future. So now I am 43 years old, and I am non-productive and unprepared for life. 

Thank you for making it all the way to the end of my first blog. I appreciate you letting me get this thing started and I hope you come back and read more of my stuff.

If laughter is the best medicine, then I hope my blogs keep you extremely medicated.