I didn't fart, that was my chair!

I know it's not politically correct to talk about flatulence. Often referred to as "farts". But I feel the need to talk about them for a minute. They are one of the many things that assure me that God has a sense of humor. Farts are funny. No, farts are hilarious. My grandmother hated farts. She didn't want to talk about them, joke about them, nothing. She tried to act like they were as normal as burps or sneezes. But my sisters and I knew from an early age that farts were NOT normal. Now, there are many different farts out there. In fact, each person has several different "types" of farts at their disposal. That is what makes them sooo much different from burps and sneezes. Our burps and sneezes are always the exact same. Not so with farts. 

Now, you can read this and deny that you have different farts. You can read this and even try to convince yourself that farts are not intended to be funny. Let's go over the different types of farts and see if you still feel the same way after reading this. I have named these for more comedic value.

Stairway to Heaven: Have you ever run up or down a flight of stairs while farting? Oh wow. Sounds like you are climbing the worlds only musical stairs. These do not work the same on escalators. 

Red Hot Chilli Peppers: This is the hot fart. You know the second it leaves your butt that it is going to destroy everything within a 1 block radius.

Strangled Duck: This is the fart that usually happens in the tub or swimming pool. It sounds like someone is strangling a duck. Also, this is what EVERY girl fart sounds like. Totally bizarre.

Bad Timing: Have you ever tried to cover up the sound of a fart by coughing? This tactic works great, unless your timing is off. Then it just sounds like you coughed and farted. Now everyone thinks you have a cold and gas.

Whistling Pete: I'll never understand these farts. They are tight and slow in delivery producing a whistling sound. Often heard while sitting on vinyl or plastic chairs.

SBD: The classic "Silent But Deadly" fart that has been around since the birth of farts. Devistating at grocery stores or Walmart if used properly. This is the only fart that lets you remain in anonymity during the entire farting process. But be careful because if there are no people around then you can be singled out pretty easily.

Say What?: This is the fart that sounds like you (or Barry White) just said something. If done correctly, someone near you will say "What's that?" 

Slippery When Wet: I don't think I have to explain this one. 

GET OUTTA THE WAY NOW!!: Again, pretty self explanatory.

I hope you have enjoyed the breakdown of farts with me today. Stay tuned for more highly news worthy, thought provoking, powerfully smart and mature blogs. Have a great day!

Red Rover, Red Rover send that fat guy right over!

I get the feeling from others that being an adult is stupid. Lot's of complaining about stupid things like "rent" and "heat bills". I find myself complaining too. It's nothing like we heard it was going to be. I had no idea how lame adulthood would be. Wait, you mean to tell me that I have to work 8 hours IN A ROW, five days a week? What!!?? I have to use my own money to buy food? Oh hell no. Nobody explained this stuff to me. I didn't realize that when my parents and  grandparents told me "enjoy being a kid Ricky" what they really meant was "life sucks after 18 Ricky". When I was a kid I couldn't wait to be all grown up so that I could eat cereal at any time during the day, or not have to take naps (which is funny because now I freakin' looooove naps), or have money all the time. Yeah, right hahahaha. What a joke.

Well after thinking about it and discussing it with my wife, I have decided to throw a "Immature Party" at the end of September for any and all of my friends who just want to be a kid for the day. We have reserved a portion of a popular park centralized in town and have some classic games lined up to play like Hide and Seek, Kickball, Red Rover Red Rover, Duck Duck Goose and many more. How fun would that be? Adults only, no kids. We are planning a pot luck type of lunch and there will be plenty of laughs to go around. Can you imagine 200+ lb. people running full boar at a line of adults holding hands? God, I hope nobody gets hurt. I'm pretty sure that I will kick some serious ass at Hide and Seek, I'm very creative. I want to see someone kick with all of their might during kickball, just to miss the ball and watch their shoe go flying into center field. I hope the ice cream truck drives by as we are in the middle of Duck Duck Goose. Oh I can't stop laughing about this....

I will be sure to post pictures on my blog after the party. If you have any ideas please leave them in the comment section below. I want to make this a day to remember. This is either going to turn out epic or horrible. No in between.

Does My Face Look Swollen?

I woke up this morning at 4:45am to my new kitten walking across my face. Once I'm awake, I'm awake. So I have started some coffee and decided this would be a great time to blog. Everyone is sleeping (except for Jude the kitten), it's cool outside and the house is quiet. 

I am a cheap skate, or it is cheap scape? That's weird, I've never really thought about that word, lol. Why would it be skate? Anyways, I don't like to spend money and when I do spend money I am always looking for the best deal. Many times in my life this has come back to haunt me. 

 
Like the time that I picked up a "free" sofa sitting on the curb in a part of our town called Browne's Addition. It was a beautiful sofa in what looked like great condition. Long story short, I had to go to the E.R. with a swollen face. Some sort of allergic reaction to the bugs that lived in it. 


Or the time I bought a trampoline off of Craigslist for $10 because some of the springs were missing. And by some, I mean 12. 







Well recently I have been up to my old tricks. I just purchased a computer at a local Pawn Shop. Red Flag: If you are buying a computer from a lady missing teeth and has car grease packed into each one of her finger nails, you might want to reconsider. I bought this computer for considerably less money than buying it brand new. However, this thing runs like crap and although it looks bad ass it performs and has the memory of a 95 year old man. I get so frustrated with it that I just sit here and yell at it all day long. My wife and kids think I am losing it. All they hear is:

• "Oh you want to do THIS again, you son of a b*tch!!!"
• "Ok, ok I can do this all day you piece of sh*t!"
• "ARE YOU F*CKING SEEEERIOUS??!!"
• "No! Oh my God ok,ok, please don't do this right now.....please!!"

So I think I am going to go out and actually purchase a new computer. After all, I have that high blood pressure thing going on and I don't want to die at 43 years old sitting at my computer desk, clutching my mouse. I have so much more to do in my life, so many more web sites to visit.

It Got a Little Nippy Back on the Pass

As I sit here wondering what to write about today, I can't help but overhear Napoleon Dynamite playing on my TV in the living room. I love the part in this movie where Napoleon is talking to Pedro:

"What kind of bike do you have?" 

"It's a Sledgehammer"

"Ever take it off any sweet jumps?"

I have so many funny movie scenes that I love. I think today I want to share those with you.

Here are my TOP 5 Movie Scenes Of All Time: 

#5 - Jack Black is the wrestler in Nacho Libre' and he is sneaking up on the guy who is stealing his chips (The Lords Chips) and just as he jumps, he farts. Oh my God that part KILLS me!

 

#4 - Jim Carey in Ace Ventura- Pet Detective, when he gets too hot in the rhino and plops out naked in front of the family. Classic!

#3 - I love when Ice-Cube in the movie Friday has to go into the bathroom and talk to his dad....WHILE his dad is taking a dump. Laugh Out Loud!

 

#2 -  In the movie Young Frankenstein when he is asking Igor about his "hump" and Igor says "What hump?" The awkward silence and look still makes me laugh to this day!

And the number one movie scene that makes me laugh like a little girl.......

#1 - In Dumb and Dumber when Lloyd and Harry are sharing a mini bike made for a kid and Harry tries to wave at the semi truck driver and almost wrecks. It's only on screen for a quick second but makes me laugh so hard.

What are your favorite scenes from movies? I would love to hear them. Write them in the comments section.

One Finger Salute

Have you ever watched someone fall, stumble or trip and found it to be hilarious? I hope I'm not the only person who finds joy in watching these things happen. I mean, I don't want to see anyone really hurt themselves. But witnessing a nice little stumble in the middle of my day can really lift my spirits. It let's me know that even people wearing suits and carrying briefcases can be human and do embarrassing things. Even if you have perfect hair and just bought a boat, you can twist your ankle and rip your pants at any minute. 




The worst public fall I ever witnessed was back in 1991 at the Fox Theater in Spokane, Wa. I will never forget it. I took my girlfriend at the time, to the movies and when we got there we were one of the last people to find seats. There were a couple open seats way at the top of these incredibly steep stairs. To this day I have yet to find stairs that steep. It was really strange. Anyways, I was carrying two buckets of popcorn and decided to scurry up the stairs faster by skipping every other stair. You know how guys do that sometimes? Yeah well after about my fourth "hop" I stumbled and although I caught myself before falling back down the stairs of death, popcorn had shot out of BOTH buckets like a strange double barrel popcorn gun. I heard a group "moan" that came from the group of people near me. I just smiled like a jack ass and walked up the rest of the stairs slowly until I finally arrived at my destination carrying 2 half empty buckets of popcorn. My girlfriend looked angry. 

We aren't even to the good part of this story yet.....

After about 20 minutes, we are enjoying the beginning of our movie. The lights are off and it is fiercely dark in the theater. All of a sudden, all the way across the theater we hear what sounds like a large man falling down stairs. I focus my eyes in the darkness and I'll be damned if there wasn't a large man falling hard down several of the steep stairs that I had just conquered. But he wasn't falling "up" the stairs like I did, he was falling "down" the stairs with much momentum and the laws of gravity working against him. To this day, almost 25 years later I can still see head, feet, head, feet, head.....and so on. He was making a horrible sound each time he finished a full somersault. The entire crowd in that full theater burst out in laughter. Almost like we were all holding in too much laughter and just needed something to help us get rid of some of it. When he finished his Olympic worthy floor routine, he stood up and faced the crowd and lifted both hands high in the air revealing only one finger on each hand. Then he yelled "F*CK YOU!!!"

I've never been back to that theater, ever.

My Name is Rick and I Have High Blood Pressure

We are getting closer to that time of year that I look forward to the most, going back to school. Trying to keep my two teenage daughters happy this summer has been like trying to bring peace to the Middle East. I had brown hair when the summer started and now it is almost all white. My wife calls it "silver" as though that is going to make me seem more distinguished. Either way, I know it's not normal. My doctor says I have high blood pressure now. He asked me if I have experienced any stress or discomfort at home. I started laughing like a hyena until the laughter became a quiet mumbling and then finished with tears and a hug. It was a hug that I innitiated but a hug none the less. Stress? Discomfort? I eat stress and discomfort for breakfast mister smarty pants doctor guy. I actually eat a bowl of stress and wash it down with a big glass of discomfort (grape flavored haha) I'm more stressed than a dog shittin' razor blades buddy. I love doctor's appointments, grocery shopping and checking the mail simply because I get a small intermission between MMA cage fights in my home.

It's not all bad. There are these moments of clarity when the girls get along. A snap shot in time that if missed, may never return.

Kind of like the moon. I get messages once in a while on facebook telling me to "go look at the moon, tonight it's going to be extra moony!" I never look at the moon, I always miss it. Pretty much the same thing with the girls. I always miss it. But my wife has taken pictures of them being "nice" to each other, so we have proof.

The only, and I mean only, bad thing about the kids finally going back to school is the fun I have trying to wake them up in the morning. I've been spit at, cursed at and one time I had a clock thrown at me. Do you know how hard it is to spank someone's ass in complete darkness? It's hard. To this day, I'm still not even sure I actually swatted my daughters butt. It may have been her memory foam pillow. I need to come up with a better way of waking them up this year. Maybe I'll use money.

 September is near, Football season starts, kids return to school, and my blood pressure will go back down. The stars will align and everything will be ok, right?

Purple Kool-Aid

As I was making my daughter some kool-aid this morning, to go with her breakfast, because she is 15 and has no idea how to make food, I was suddenly reminded of my childhood. When I smell grape kool-aid it triggers something in my brain. Something that takes me far from here and to a better place and time. The 80's! I lived off of kool-aid and mac-n-cheese. But we rarely had milk so our mac-n-cheese was a little dry. I remember waking up and playing outside ALL day long. Come home at lunch, eat some dry mac-n-cheese and then wash it down with some purple kool-aid. Then I was off again to play for hours. I didn't have to check my facebook, text my friends, take a selfie, I just left the house. My daughters don't understand this concept and we "struggle" to see eye to eye on the issue of entertaining yourself. God forbid you get creative and think of something to do.

I remember my dad brought home our first VCR when I was 12 and he had paid over $500 for it. It had a remote control that was actually attached to a 20 foot wire. So you could control it from the sofa. We were amazed! We would rent movies like "ET" and "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" from Good Guys Video down the street. It was only $5 per movie, per night. The same time he purchased the VCR he also bought a microwave for around $500 and it weighed approx. 600 pounds. It blew our mind that we could cook a tv dinner in 60 seconds. I put everything in that microwave for the next 6 months. 




I had a boom box that played cassette tapes and you couldn't really choose the songs, you had to listen to the entire tape. It took 12 D batteries. Now days kids are upset if their ipod only has enough memory to hold 1,000 songs. If they can't watch a blu-ray HD movie in the back seat while driving thru McDonald's drive-thru they get McPissed. Netflix has thousands of movies for $8 a month and you don't have to leave your house to watch them. Just grunt and point the remote, that's it. We need everything now, not later. Now! They have breath strips that you simply lay on your tongue. YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO SUCK ANYMORE!!!! At the rate we our going, my grandchildren should be 600 lbs. each and terrified of trees.