I didn't fart, that was my chair!

I know it's not politically correct to talk about flatulence. Often referred to as "farts". But I feel the need to talk about them for a minute. They are one of the many things that assure me that God has a sense of humor. Farts are funny. No, farts are hilarious. My grandmother hated farts. She didn't want to talk about them, joke about them, nothing. She tried to act like they were as normal as burps or sneezes. But my sisters and I knew from an early age that farts were NOT normal. Now, there are many different farts out there. In fact, each person has several different "types" of farts at their disposal. That is what makes them sooo much different from burps and sneezes. Our burps and sneezes are always the exact same. Not so with farts. 

Now, you can read this and deny that you have different farts. You can read this and even try to convince yourself that farts are not intended to be funny. Let's go over the different types of farts and see if you still feel the same way after reading this. I have named these for more comedic value.

Stairway to Heaven: Have you ever run up or down a flight of stairs while farting? Oh wow. Sounds like you are climbing the worlds only musical stairs. These do not work the same on escalators. 

Red Hot Chilli Peppers: This is the hot fart. You know the second it leaves your butt that it is going to destroy everything within a 1 block radius.

Strangled Duck: This is the fart that usually happens in the tub or swimming pool. It sounds like someone is strangling a duck. Also, this is what EVERY girl fart sounds like. Totally bizarre.

Bad Timing: Have you ever tried to cover up the sound of a fart by coughing? This tactic works great, unless your timing is off. Then it just sounds like you coughed and farted. Now everyone thinks you have a cold and gas.

Whistling Pete: I'll never understand these farts. They are tight and slow in delivery producing a whistling sound. Often heard while sitting on vinyl or plastic chairs.

SBD: The classic "Silent But Deadly" fart that has been around since the birth of farts. Devistating at grocery stores or Walmart if used properly. This is the only fart that lets you remain in anonymity during the entire farting process. But be careful because if there are no people around then you can be singled out pretty easily.

Say What?: This is the fart that sounds like you (or Barry White) just said something. If done correctly, someone near you will say "What's that?" 

Slippery When Wet: I don't think I have to explain this one. 

GET OUTTA THE WAY NOW!!: Again, pretty self explanatory.

I hope you have enjoyed the breakdown of farts with me today. Stay tuned for more highly news worthy, thought provoking, powerfully smart and mature blogs. Have a great day!